Author Topic: A novice devotee's experience with atma vichara  (Read 1510 times)

binoyc

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A novice devotee's experience with atma vichara
« on: June 28, 2016, 05:22:20 AM »
Was debating about posting my experience on this forum. I will be fanning this ego whose intricacies are becoming more apparent, nevertheless have decided to go ahead. These thoughts show my struggles with being a householder while practicing atma  vichara.

Bhagavan Ramana came to my life early last year. I had a spiritual bent of mind but was also  slave to the rational mind. Did go to temples and satsang but mechanically. I came upon Bhagavan?s ?Talks? book one day last year and was struck by the profundity of his teachings. Still rational mind didn?t accept and would create questions, wanting proof etc. One day while watching Bhagavan?s  video on You Tube, tears started to flow suddenly. An intense ache to know more began.I reread the teaching ?Who am I? and started atma vichara. Found out initially that ego was extremely subtle, difficult to catch hold off. Later by practice came to learn that paradoxically at its strongest ( like in anger, pride,self gloating,sense of accomplishment) it was also the weakest and easy to catch hold off. The moment awareness is focused on it, it would disappear. What remained in its  place is difficult to describe, may be a state of silence is the closest  description. I practiced it repeatedly, the period of this silent state increased over next few months. Then the state of  silence started coming on its own albeit occasionally. It could also be brought with very little effort if mind was turned inwards.The silence now could be called a state of peace. In this state one could initially witness bubbling of very subtle background ego as faint illogical thoughts. No attention was paid to these subtle thoughts and they would disappear. Now a days even these subtle thoughts don?t arise, only peace and a state of awareness. Sometimes I would be staring at a distance with only a sense of awareness and peace but no thoughts.This happens even at work, but strangely very often when I am driving. There is a stare to the distance but with acute awareness of the surroundings. But these states do not last long as the mind rises again. Mind has to be brought inwards again and again to attain this state. I have also become very emotional when I see any of Bhagawan?s photos or read about his stories. A longing for his darshan has crept inside, occasionally very intense but  lasts only some minutes. Vasanas and ego  remain strong though as indicated by recurrent lapses into the world of greed, anger, craving for worldly things, sometimes so powerful that one forgets contemplation for days and weeks. But then again suddenly the longing for that state creeps in. There is also a strange sense of sadness (subtle) when I move away from contemplation /atma vichara towards worldly pursuits. Am I a sadhaka who is ready for a speck of Bhagvan?s grace? No not yet, a long road lies ahead. My frequent fallings into vigorous worldly pursuits and still strong ego is an evidence to that. Strive I will though for that speck of grace.
« Last Edit: June 28, 2016, 05:34:06 AM by binoyc »

Ravi.N

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Re: A novice devotee's experience with atma vichara
« Reply #1 on: July 01, 2016, 10:09:38 PM »
binoyc,

 
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I practiced it repeatedly, the period of this silent state increased over next few months. Then the state of  silence started coming on its own albeit occasionally. It could also be brought with very little effort if mind was turned inwards.The silence now could be called a state of peace.

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I have also become very emotional when I see any of Bhagawan?s photos or read about his stories. A longing for his darshan has crept inside, occasionally very intense but  lasts only some minutes

 
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But then again suddenly the longing for that state creeps in. There is also a strange sense of sadness (subtle) when I move away from contemplation /atma vichara towards worldly pursuits

These are clear signs that the inner being is 'ready' and active....you are indeed blessed.....so,tend to this 'sapling' with care and attention.It is very precious.

"There are moments when the Spirit moves among men and the breath of the Lord is abroad upon the waters of our being; there are others when it retires and men are left to act in the strength or the weakness of their own egoism. The first are periods when even a little effort produces great results and changes destiny; the second are spaces of time when much labour goes to the making of a little result. It is true that the latter may prepare the former, may be the little smoke of sacrifice going up to heaven which calls down the rain of God's bounty. Unhappy is the man or the nation which, when the divine moment arrives, is found sleeping or unprepared to use it, because the lamp has not been kept trimmed for the welcome and the ears are sealed to the call."

The Hour of God-Sri Aurobindo.